Posted on 2016.07.29 at 12:34
I have to start getting ready to leave for work.
I spend a lot of time pondering (well, pretty much everything, but lately...) my past and how certain behaviors were triggered, and how crushes seemed to pop out of nowhere, for no obvious good reasons. I crushed, hard, all of the fucking time. I once participated without having to make the choice to, and now, I struggle with simple movement. Everything is overanalyzed, but in truth, I don't do much these days to warrant all that analyzing.
I know I had my reasons back then to crush however often and hard I wanted to (hard. hah.). I miss being able to let myself be foolish, have fun... god, no matter how frightening it was, I remember it being so much fun. It couldn't have been that much fun, at least that what I think now, with me being as anxiety ridden and frightful as I am now. It's not even all about crushing, I just use it as an example because of the range of emotions that came into play that have been so hard to find lately. A lack of arousal, in any form, has been crippling me as of late.
It's a good sign that I've been attempting to exercise behaviors that have maybe help in the past, like diving into livejournal and typing out some poorly organized thoughts, thoughts that only get out when I'm especially depressed in the form of an emotionally charge convoluted conversation with Cory.
I don't know how to feel like a friend to my friends, and it's been hard because I need them. I'm freaked because my anxiety seems to be getting more ramped up with the beings I love most, with the exception of Cory, probably due to our closeness and exposure to each other. Love is becoming a bit scary right now. I feel like I've isolated myself and love is alien, it's lingering and it seems (and is) reciprocated, but I feel like I'm stuck between letting it go or just losing it all together.
I'm lost and more afraid than I'd like to admit and can handle, and I can't even tell if I want back in.
Posted on 2016.03.15 at 11:00
Pretty much dreaming every night. Highlights include haircuts and baths, both of which I need, badly.
Posted on 2016.03.14 at 13:37
Current Mood: gassy
Today I lost a beetle I was going to put back outside. I also thought about what a transcript of my thoughts would look like and how often "tits" would occur... This happened because as I was pondering written record of my thoughts, I glanced upon a pair of huge ones. :D
So this is my life now. Nice to see you again livejournal.
Posted on 2014.12.02 at 15:08
I used to keep this one and physical journals on a fairly regular basis. I'm listening to God Help the Girl, and it's trigger some of this self speculation. It's been awhile since I've let it come out of me in a different medium.
The slow drop of journalistic updates has found a slow drop of self in me. My choice of education gives me a sense of shared experiences, but at the same time, I feel I've taken a step back to just observe. It's been pretty detrimental, it seems, for I was already depressed to begin with, and it has added to my sense of meaninglessness.
We all share similar feelings and we've all gotten there in different ways, many argue that we're all important, we matter just because we are, but isn't that a personal choice. How can I tell what is a true motivator, and not just something I long for because I'm "supposed" to. I'm far too heady to be leading such a simple, lazy life, but I think I've know that I'm in desperate need of a motivator. The want to not exist is very strong, but I'm aware that I'm still here. It's silly to be waiting, I know that. My actions will lead to more doors. I can't quite figure out what I'm so afraid of, what causes such extreme physiological reactions. Has it been the knowledge I keep building up on? Am I the type that can think heavily enough to make myself physically sick?
Nothing should be this scary, life is an accumulation of experiences that probably don't vary too much from what I've done already.
15 minutes of rant to screen. I should be writing a paper.
Posted on 2013.04.22 at 11:37
Looking to figure out what to do with myself on these days off. I should be out in that sun. I should be talking to strangers. I should exercise... but all I really want to do is hang with Master and watch squirrels. And maybe see that PYT I like to call Ginger Farmer. Eh, my feelings towards everything changes on a daily basis. Yesterday was a poor day, today feels richer.
Posted on 2013.04.16 at 02:17
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: Um Rancho Nas Nuvens- Antonio Carlos Jobim
Listening to Bossa Nova while the curse of thinking about everything but homework leads me to thoughts of the cute new crush I have, that has life links to Central America.
Oh funny little head and heart, your curiosity exhausts me. In all honesty, I'm thinking of him more than I'd like to admit. Admission is allowed, but I have a funny way of poorly dealing with things; jumble brain. Jesus, really, "It Might as Well be Spring," as sung by Astrud, it might as well be spring is goddamn right. Me and love songs, my heart is far too pliable for my liking. Can't tell if it's falling into old, old habits or if these feelings are in fact induced by the fella in question.
Insufficient data collection leads me to believe that it's the idea of him that's leaving me enamored. I should just let myself admit that it's simply him that's leaving me enamored. Haha, so, today's insufficient data collection may lead to future changes, but for now, I just like him. Alright crazy, take that, and stop avoiding homework. Avoidance makes you overanalyze most things that you should just be feeling out.
Oh livejournal, how I miss these personal dialogues, even if they do make me sound like a tween romance novel... and exaggerate my insanity.
Posted on 2012.12.11 at 17:10
Current Mood: apathetic
Studying is not going well.
Lots has changed and I thought that maybe composing an entry would help me get into study mode....this is incorrect. And to think, just before I started typing this, I was so hyped and had much in my head to document. The rapidity of the changes in my actions and intentions are a bit shocking and unfortunate. Oh, and to invite people into my crazy world, selfish, and not very nice, because though times may be fun, the lack of any sign of conviction towards anything could prove problematic.
My head spins me glimpses of scenes I may want to make into reality, and they're pretty close to being viable... but, I fear messes I could create? What am I so afraid of anyway?
It's a bit of a numb time, perhaps I'll try again in a few weeks.
Dreams give me enjoyment that I don't trust could happen in reality, I love/hate it when they do that.
Posted on 2012.09.16 at 15:15
So....it's been an eventful September. These are some big changes that I'm trying to commit to, and with the personal stuff, I've always been quite the defeatist. Trying, even just a little, is a bit foreign...how am I going to try hard? I mean, I am currently, but usually I get a bit burnt out when going this strong since I'm not used to it...but I am capable. A statement I've known to be true, but haven't been convinced of, at least in this lifetime- at least not fully.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
Posted on 2012.04.27 at 00:22
Damn my brain. I'm feeling better, though that was a killer depression run. It hasn't last for a whole day in a long time. absence of trees- major factor.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
Posted on 2011.12.06 at 15:09
Since a certain mental numbing element has been cut out of my life for a few days, I have really been wanting to tell my thoughts and feelings to those I've had fleeting closeness with.
A simple, "sorry I was shitty" would probably do in many of the circumstances. A few, "I was only half-formed at the time" would suffice too. A couple handfuls of expressing my appreciation, and one funny little acronym for one of the shortest intervals of time when we were more than just acquaintances...well, not much more, just our mouths, haah. My past will never cease to amuse and entertain me, probably why I want it back sometimes, but the bads are not as memorable as the goods, so to leave it be will most likely be in my best interest.
I like livejournal...